I miss you

You never imagine your parent dying, and if you do have this morbid thought they are old and grey. I had the most amazing dad, unfortunately he died before I could truly understand how amazing. No one should ever bury a parent or a child before they turn 50. I miss him so much it does get better with time, but nothing can ever replace him. I wish he was here, and that he would fix my family. This was the first fathers day that I have acknowledged since dad died I sent out cards to everyone. It feels like any other day, but strangely hollow and empty. One of these days it won't hurt so much and I wish he was here so I could have someone on my side.

It's a 2fer day!!!

But on a good note, It is summer YAY! In Yakima the temperature extremes are such that when it starts to get hot you melt for the first week, and you are exhausted until you get used to sleeping with the A/C on 24/7. And once it gets over 100 degrees it truly is all relative. Last week we taught our first dog agility class, It was fun. I am always a perfectionist so I worry how to teach things a certain way. But to give you the cliff notes version of how we got into this venture. We live at this dog training place with our dogs. We took the agility class, and the lady that owns the place was tired of the person who taught it to us. (no one ever came back, and she did nothing but encourage the students to go to her HER agility club). Her words to us when we told her we have only taken one 4 week class. She said I don’t care get a book, you have to be better than her. So we are teaching dog agility which is fun. And distracts me from my obsessive infertility thoughts.

The hardest pill for infertiles to swallow is... Pregnant Relatives

When we announced to our families that we were trying for a baby, I was so happy. I had waited so long to tell people we were even trying. I knew it would probably be an uphill battle, but who cares we were at least talking about it. When people would ask us about kids, I could say YES! We are trying. Then 2 months later when my sister in law told everyone she was 6 months pregnant (turned out to be 9-months, but that is another story) I was crushed I was so stressed out about the whole situation. A week after she announced it was Thanksgiving, they had asked us months ago to come over and for me to cook. I love cooking Thanksgiving dinner; I look forward to it every year. She was showing and it took everything in me to not start crying. I pretended to “Sleep” a lot after dinner, but was secretly crying. When my brother’s wives got pregnant, I was so happy for them, and excited for the baby. I feel so bad because my pain of my infertility is so tied to my sister in law. I have always liked her; we have always gotten along well. She is very girly so that is awkward, but it was good. I have come so far since she announced she was pregnant. I did not want my husband to ever see or talk to her again. I felt like she was a HUGE reminder of my failures and inadequacies. I have never felt envy toward any other pregnant woman before or since, but I cannot seem to shake it. She will be coming to live with us for a week before her husband comes home from Iraq, and I am hoping that I can get this out in the open. In addition, hopefully this will help me. I hate carrying around this envy and hatred, I do not want to, I try not to, but it is still there.