I miss you

You never imagine your parent dying, and if you do have this morbid thought they are old and grey. I had the most amazing dad, unfortunately he died before I could truly understand how amazing. No one should ever bury a parent or a child before they turn 50. I miss him so much it does get better with time, but nothing can ever replace him. I wish he was here, and that he would fix my family. This was the first fathers day that I have acknowledged since dad died I sent out cards to everyone. It feels like any other day, but strangely hollow and empty. One of these days it won't hurt so much and I wish he was here so I could have someone on my side.

It's a 2fer day!!!

But on a good note, It is summer YAY! In Yakima the temperature extremes are such that when it starts to get hot you melt for the first week, and you are exhausted until you get used to sleeping with the A/C on 24/7. And once it gets over 100 degrees it truly is all relative. Last week we taught our first dog agility class, It was fun. I am always a perfectionist so I worry how to teach things a certain way. But to give you the cliff notes version of how we got into this venture. We live at this dog training place with our dogs. We took the agility class, and the lady that owns the place was tired of the person who taught it to us. (no one ever came back, and she did nothing but encourage the students to go to her HER agility club). Her words to us when we told her we have only taken one 4 week class. She said I don’t care get a book, you have to be better than her. So we are teaching dog agility which is fun. And distracts me from my obsessive infertility thoughts.

The hardest pill for infertiles to swallow is... Pregnant Relatives

When we announced to our families that we were trying for a baby, I was so happy. I had waited so long to tell people we were even trying. I knew it would probably be an uphill battle, but who cares we were at least talking about it. When people would ask us about kids, I could say YES! We are trying. Then 2 months later when my sister in law told everyone she was 6 months pregnant (turned out to be 9-months, but that is another story) I was crushed I was so stressed out about the whole situation. A week after she announced it was Thanksgiving, they had asked us months ago to come over and for me to cook. I love cooking Thanksgiving dinner; I look forward to it every year. She was showing and it took everything in me to not start crying. I pretended to “Sleep” a lot after dinner, but was secretly crying. When my brother’s wives got pregnant, I was so happy for them, and excited for the baby. I feel so bad because my pain of my infertility is so tied to my sister in law. I have always liked her; we have always gotten along well. She is very girly so that is awkward, but it was good. I have come so far since she announced she was pregnant. I did not want my husband to ever see or talk to her again. I felt like she was a HUGE reminder of my failures and inadequacies. I have never felt envy toward any other pregnant woman before or since, but I cannot seem to shake it. She will be coming to live with us for a week before her husband comes home from Iraq, and I am hoping that I can get this out in the open. In addition, hopefully this will help me. I hate carrying around this envy and hatred, I do not want to, I try not to, but it is still there.

Creating a new normal

B and I went to the Ocean this past weekend. I do miss the Ocean the 5 hr drive was even worth it. It was amazing it rarely ever works out that we have the time and the money to pull something like this off. We were even able to take the dogs, and they loved the ocean, I was a little concerned that we might have to run into the surf to grab Seamus but it worked out. Nevertheless, back to the purpose of this blog I was good I barely even remembered that it was mother’s day. I sent cards to our Grandmas. Moms, sisters and sister in laws like I do every year. I really thought when we started to try last summer that I would be a mom or at least pregnant by this time. We went out to lunch on Sunday before heading back and the waitress asks if I was a mom, I of course said no. She did not know what to say; that she had a prepared Congrats statement was obvious. Where do I fit in to a world that values women as mothers? I know everyone is probably thinking its mothers day, they deserve their day. And they do I am not disagreeing with having a mothers day at all. I just want to know where I fit. I know the odds of myself getting pregnant, and we have adopted the outlook that if it happens, it happens (and not holding our breath) But I cant give up the thought that I want to be a mom more than anything. I just cannot help but wonder what is normal. I know that as a species we must continue to reproduce if we are to survive although it is not such a necessity anymore. It is considered normal for a married woman who is almost 30 with a good job to have children. What is normal, and what if the normal is not even possible. How do you even begin to create a new normal?

Another drama filled family event

Okay so I went to my nephews birthday party yesterday. That was extremely uncomfortable. My mom told both of my brothers of the argument that we had concerning her not telling me about my woman issues. I have worked for 5 years to get a relationship with my brother. This all started just after my dad died. My sister in law accused me of saying something that I didn’t say and EVERYONE (mom, brothers, aunts, uncles etc. ) EVERYONE believed her so I stood alone with everyone pointing their fingers at me. This has messed me up emotionally big time. And I have wasted several years of my life worrying and freaking out about my family. We finally patched things up several months ago and I was experiencing the relationship with my brother that I have always wanted to have. And then my mom tells him about our argument (I personally have kept my issues with my mom, with my mom and no one else) I am again on the shit list. But back to my nephews birthday party. My brother told my mom to tell me that I was not allowed to start any drama while I was there (I have never done so). So while at the party, my brother only talked to me in short sentences, and with no eye contact. It was great, I think I am going to just start sending presents in the mail. I love my nephews, but this is occupying too much of my life. And I have a life to live.

There is always something to stress about

So AF just showed up.  I'm dissapointed in a weird way.  I and DH have decided that we want to keep trying, but not spend our lives and life savings in the Doctors office.  I don't feel like I have given up, but it does.  It has definetly relieved a lot of pressure off of myself.  My infertile brain was saying to myself at about 8 dpo, hey I haven't been stressed about it maybe this is going to be it!! Whatever.  My sister in law didn't invite me to my nephews Birthday.  I'm sure I pissed them off again in some way that I don't even remember or care to.  I am so tired of trying with my brothers, and they don't even give a shit. I live 3 hours away, and I am the one who always has to drive.  The last time I saw my brothers was when I went to one of their sons basketball games (three hours for a game).  I love being an Aunt.  I know I was stupid when I was younger we all were, but let me grow up and move on from my mistakes!! I am sure that I will blog about the relationship with my brothers which is twisted, and screwed up, and frustrating because no matter how they ignore me for months and treat me like shit, I still love them and I know I will always love them more than they love me.

life just sucks right now

Okay so my life officially sucks ass!!  After our fertility dr appt I call my mom to tell  her about the appt saying how he is hopeful even though I only have 1 tube, and she stops me and sais I remember they took out the oppoosite ovary as well don't you remember? WTF no I dont!!! I have spent 14 years dealing with my decreased chances and all of a sudden I dont even have a matched set!  Long story short I have been a wreck for a couple weeks and my husband was visiting his parents where his sister is living with the baby she didnt even try for.  My life has felt like crap lately.  I went to a new regular dr today and the form has you fill out past surgeries I put right ovary and left fallopian tube removed, she then asks me well you definetly don't have any kids.  I then state well we are trying and she then tells me how is possible.  I proceed to burst into tears I feel like I am giving up hope.